Seven years ago my sister spent her first night in jail. It was agonizing for all of us. It was out of our control and we felt helpless and terrified. I was pregnant with Dylan and I spent the sleepless night crying and cleaning. Yes I was cleaning because I just didn't know what else to do. I tend to do that sometimes as strange as it is. We couldn't wait for dawn to break so we could bail her out of such an awful place and take her to breakfast. It was the very beginning of the enabling and in some way I am just now realizing how far back it went.
You see I think at first we all thought we were just trying so hard to save her. When in fact we didn't allow her to suffer consequences for a lot of her actions. We were always right there to bail her out. We forgave, time and time again and didn't press charges when she made offenses against her own family. We just kept allowing her to manipulate. The problems kept getting bigger and we still didn't have any answers. Even I thought that the bond we shared would be enough. If I could just hold her through the tough times I'm sure she will start thinking clearly. I was so very wrong.
A few days ago I got a phone call from my mom in the morning. I usually have a pretty good intuition when something is wrong and once again it was. My sister was in jail. Years of probation violations, drug court, theft charges, prison and she is still no closer to being free from addition. She is still battling to survive every single day as I am without a sister and best friend. I immediately exhaled and felt an immediate relief and calmness come over me. I no longer cry because she is in jail. Instead I feel grateful that she can't harm herself for the time being. That she doesn't have the opportunity to overdose or make bad choices.
Today I'm thankful for this life. I of course would love to see my sister happy and healthy. I would love if she could be a part of our lives... but for now I just have to be thankful for today. That she is safe and that I can feel some temporary relief. We don't know what will happen tomorrow but today I will rejoice and pray that someday soon she will make the choice to reach out for help.